Breaking the Ice With Your Parents: Planning for Long-Term Care
The phone call can come at any time. Even though it’s never completely unexpected, we go into crisis mode. “Your Mom’s had a stroke”. “Your Dad fell and broke his hip.” “Dad keeps forgetting to take his heart medication.” “Mom thinks she’s a child again.” The scenarios are endless.
Ironically, the healthy lifestyles and improved medical care most of us are enjoying actually increase the odds of getting that phone call. The longer our parents live, the more likely they will need care.
In past decades, when a parent needed care, other family members stepped in to fill the role. Usually it was the women in the family who assumed the role of primary caregiver. But changes in the “modern” family have made it less likely that children will be in a position to provide care for aging parents. Families today are not only much smaller, but many are spread across the globe, with two careers needed to support the family financially.
How can we avoid going into crisis mode when a parent needs long-term care? By developing a written plan in advance- a plan designed specifically with our parents’ situation in mind. A written plan results from analyzing the implications of relying on each of the options for paying for care. Although most Americans believe that health insurance or Medicare pays for long-term care, in reality, long-term care is provided for or paid for by only four resources:
- Family
- Medicaid, the welfare program
- Personal Assets
- Long-Term Care Insurance
Developing a written plan requires viewing long-term care as part of our family’s retirement and financial planning. By having a plan, a long-term care event won’t force our parents to deplete monies that were set aside for retirement income and inheritances. Proper planning will also keep them from having to rely on the financial support of their children.
Fortunately, grown children and their parents are finally beginning to feel comfortable having the “long-term care conversation”.
How Do You Have the Long-Term Care Conversation
With Your Parents?
As with most things in life, the first step is the hardest. How you enter this terrain will depend on you and the nature of your relationship with your parents.
You may not get far in your first conversation, but don’t worry. It’s a lot to digest, particularly if your parents haven’t given their future much thought. Be patient. Find what works for you. If one approach doesn’t work, try another. As your parent’s health, finances and lifestyle change so will their needs and views. Also, laws, financial programs and local options will change. So revisit these conversations regularly.
To get started, here are a few ways to break the ice:
- Be Open – If you have an open and direct relationship, don’t beat around the bush. Just come out and tell them that you’d like to talk about these issues and ask if they would mind talking about them. Everyone thinks about these things. Everyone worries at 2 AM about what the future holds.
- Be Reflective – Some time when you’re together, ask them about their past, their childhood, and their parents. Learn more about them. Then move on to the future. What do they want most? How do they perceive the future? What worries them?
- Discuss Someone Else’s Situation - Chances are that you or your parents know someone who is already dealing with some aspect of aging or long-term care. Talking about what’s good or bad about their situation can be a useful launching point.
- Ask for Advice – This is a great way to get the discussion rolling. Tell them that you just entered into a relationship with a financial advisor and that you’re starting a retirement account or preparing a will. Then ask them for advice. Follow that by asking how they planned ahead and if they feel fully prepared.
- Grab an Opening – If, for example, your mother is talking about Aunt Kathy, who’s in an assisted living facility, and rolls her eyes and says, “Don’t you ever put me in one of those places,” ask her what she means. What would your mother want in the same circumstance? If you miss the chance, bring it up another time. “Hey Mom, remember when we talked about Aunt Kathy and you said “Don’t you ever put me in one of those places”? . . . . . . . .
- Write – If you find the whole thing too daunting, write a letter or e-mail outlining your concerns and what you would like to discuss. This can be particularly helpful if you live far away and only have a weekend to have these talks. You can pave the way and get them to start thinking about it before you get together.
- Get Help – Maybe you have a sibling who is more at ease talking with your parents. Maybe your parents are more comfortable talking to someone else in the family about finances or health. Don’t be offended. You don’t care how the plan gets developed, just that it DOES get developed.
The simple e-booklet, “Five Steps to Understanding Long-Term Care” provides some basic information about the issue of long-term care and is a good way to introduce a discussion with your parents. The booklet is complimentary.
